We've all been there: the toddler throwing a tantrum to get a candy bar, the teenager manipulating their parents for a later curfew, the adult using guilt trips to control their partner. It's a common human tendency to seek control over our environment and the people in it. But what if the control we truly possess isn't what we think it is?
Habits from the Past
When we're young, external forces dictate our lives, e.g., our parents, teachers, and societal norms. We learn early on that we can influence these forces, albeit to a limited extent, through behaviors like tantrums, whining, or flattery. While these coping mechanisms are effective in childhood, they become problematic in adulthood.
As we grow older, some may realize that manipulating others is not a sustainable strategy for happiness and fulfillment. Unlike our parents, other adults are less likely to tolerate such tactics. Our control attempts lead to frustration, conflict, and a sense of powerlessness.
Shifting the Focus: Controlling Ourselves
The key to true peace lies not in controlling others but in contentment and following our values. By accepting our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, we can free ourselves from their grip and focus on what truly matters: our values and actions.
From God’s Word: In chapter two of the book of James, the Apostle James compares the world's wisdom and God's wisdom. I find this very interesting because we often equate wisdom to contentment and happiness. James tells the reader that learning to control ourselves starts with our tongue and heart. When we try to control others, we develop bitterness and selfish ambitions. He tells us this urge to control others comes from our enemy, Satan. He finishes his instruction by saying. “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”
Practical Tips for Practicing Acceptance During the Holidays
The Christmas season can be particularly stressful, filled with expectations, family gatherings, and potential conflicts. These moments of stress occur because we are with people who are supposed to love each other but end up trying to control each other. Here are some tips for practicing acceptance and dropping the need to gain peace through control during this period:
- Mindful Presence: Pay attention to the present moment without judgment. Notice your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without getting caught up in them.
- Gratitude Journaling: Take time each day to reflect on what you're grateful for. Focusing on gratitude can help you shift your focus from what is lacking to what is abundant.
- Acceptance of Imperfection: Let go of the need for everything to be perfect or peaceful and embrace the inevitable imperfections of the holiday season.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Avoid setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. They often only produce disappointment and frustration.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially when things don't go as planned.
- Focus on the Prince of Peace, Jesus. Take five minutes to meditate on being with Jesus and allowing your knowledge of Him to bring peace into your soul.
By embracing God's wisdom and practicing acceptance and mindfulness, we can navigate the challenges of the holiday season with greater peace and resilience.
References:
Harris, R. (2009). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. HarperOne.
Harris, R. (2010). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Understand Guide to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
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