Communication can be tricky, especially in difficult relationships. Have you ever noticed yourself being guarded about approaching a topic with certain individuals only to walk away feeling they got what they needed, but you did not? This is all too common. This month's blog will explore the three types of communication styles and learn simple strategies to communicate authentically, resulting in a “win/win.”
Passive communication occurs when you avoid expressing your personal needs and feelings directly, often leading to resentment and anger. People pleasers often use this method because they fear upsetting others. Let’s look at a possible conversation.
Wife: “Excuse me, do you think you could help me carry out the garbage now?”
Husband: “I’m busy watching TV.”
Wife: “Oh, all right, I’ll just do it myself.”
What do you think the wife thinks and feels as she takes out the garbage? Often, there are thoughts that the husband is selfish and lazy, and there could be anger and frustration. The passive communicator may then express these feelings nonverbally by avoiding the other person or pouting or acting out in a passive/aggressive manner. Sometimes, anger may erupt if this is a pattern in the husband's response. The result is poor communication, unspoken resentment, or feelings of not being supported by the person who is supposed to be most supportive.
Aggressive communication usually starts with harsh tones and blames or threatens the other person to get needs met. This communication may lead to the other person feeling attacked or pushed around. They, in turn, reject or push back against the aggressive person. Let’s look at a possible conversation.
Roommate 1: “Excuse me, do you think you could help me carry out the garbage now?”
Roommate 2: “I’m busy watching TV.”
Roommate 1: “You are always watching TV. You never do any of the work around here. You are always doing what you want. Why don’t you get your good-for-nothing self off that couch and be useful around here for once!”
Notice how the aggressive communicator (The roommate 1 in this example) began his retort with the word “You” and included words like “never” and “always.” We even see an attack on the person’s character. Unfortunately, this communication style is prevalent. The person who gets aggressive may get what they want in the short term, but the damage has been done. The person receiving aggressive communication does not view the aggressor as safe and will move away from them, and any goodwill will be lost.
Assertive communication seeks to provide a win/win strategy. It involves honestly expressing your feelings and standing up for the most critical issues. Assertive communication demonstrates to the other person that you care about them and the relationship enough to express what you need as plainly as possible. Let’s look at a possible conversation.
Wife: “Excuse me. I would like your help taking out the garbage now.”
Husband: “I’m busy watching TV.”
Wife: “I understand that you don’t like to be interrupted, but this is the only time I can do it before I go out. I feel angry that you are not available to help when it takes two people to do the job.”
Husband: “OK, what if you get the small can now, and I will get someone to help me with the heavier one after you leave?”
Wife: “That sounds like a great plan. I appreciate your help.”
In the example, the wife starts with an “I” statement. These messages express both the need and the anger that resulted from the person's behavior. They also acknowledge the other person’s feelings and explain the request. In this example, we see the wife standing up for her needs and feelings but being flexible enough to consider her husband’s wishes. Assertive communication is necessary for building trust. You may find that being assertive yet being kind is difficult and it may cause you to feel more stress. I encourage you to breathe and focus on why you are doing this. You are doing this because you care about the relationship and desire to live at peace but speak the truth in love.
Putting it into Action
As you looked at the three styles, which do you default to? Much of our communication was modeled to us by our parents or was born out of a survival strategy.
If you find yourself using the passive or aggressive style, take time to write out a conversation that you recently had and see if you can rephrase it as an assertive style with “I” statements. This will take practice to implement. Give yourself compassion as you try this new skill, and remember to give your partner or friend compassion. Trying new things take time.
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